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No Ordinary Day: Living with PTSD





It was a warm spring morning that only held the best of intentions. I got out of my car and walked down the steps to the office building where I work. Everything seemed normal in the tree lined pavilion near the front of the building. There was only one other person in the vicinity, a student from a high school down the street. I didn’t think much about this because I saw students hanging around all the time.


I tried the door to the building and noticed that it was locked. Unbothered, I pulled out my keys and tried to open the door. The door wouldn’t budge. I tried again with the same result. The keys I had been given didn’t always work the first time, so sometimes unlocking the door was an exercise in patience. As I tried the lock for a third time, I heard a voice shouting something unintelligible. That’s when the panic started.


I still have no idea why the high school student started yelling at me, but the effect it had was profound. I immediately felt my body tense up. It was hard to breathe, and my hands started trembling as a wave of adrenaline overwhelmed me. I felt tears stinging at my eyes and I just wanted to be anywhere but where I was in that movement.


I tried the door again and it would not yield. The yelling continued and intensified as I tried the door again and again. When I finally got the door open, I rushed down the hall and into my office and closed the door. Feeling shaky and disoriented, I sat down at my desk and tried to collect myself.


What I had just experienced was a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD trigger. Like many times I have been triggered, I am not sure why that particular event led to an episode. My PTSD was caused by a severely traumatic “relationship” that I experienced in my mid-twenties that involved physical, sexual, and emotional violence. It is common for survivors of all types of violence, be it in the military, domestic violence, or other types of abuse to develop PTSD. The condition can also be caused by experiencing some other kind of traumatic event such as an accident or natural disaster.


But PTSD is more than just experiencing anxiety. The brains of people with PTSD do not operate the way that a healthy brain does. In the brain of someone with PTSD, the amygdala, the part of the brain that is responsible for flight or fight response, is far too active. While the prefrontal cortex, which helps to calm the body down after something dangerous happens, is not active enough. (1) The person experiencing these issues lives in a constant state of readiness, as if something dangerous were going to happen all of the time.


PTSD is a complex condition that affects or has affected nearly four percent of the world's population (2). PTSD can cause nightmares, panic attacks and other symptoms that make day to day life difficult. My experience with the condition has gradually lessened over time with therapy and life changes, but it isn’t this way for everyone. In order for there to be a greater understanding of PTSD, there are a few things that everyone should know.


PTSD triggers can happen anywhere at any time. Some may wrongfully assume that triggers are only caused by frightening events. However, something that may seem innocuous to you may cause a trigger in someone else. One such trigger for me is motor homes, particularly smaller ones. I was forced to live in one for a summer by my assailant and it was the setting of much of the violence took place. As mentioned above, sometimes I am not fully aware of what set off the trigger. This is also true for others with PTSD. The constant fear of triggers can make going out in public stressful for persons with this condition.


Also, people with PTSD have no control over their triggers. I have personally experienced people being offended because I was triggered by something. If something causes a PTSD reaction in me or in anyone else, we cannot just choose whether we want to experience it. Triggers don’t work that way. A trigger sets off a “flight or fight” response in your brain and your body reacts to the trigger as if you were experiencing the trauma all over again.


Those who live with PTSD often find themselves in a heightened state of awareness. This means that they are constantly on the lookout for real or perceived dangers. I often find myself anxious when I hear people talking or other noises outside of my house. These types of anxieties may cause people to avoid crowds, need to know where exits are when they enter a room, not want to sit with their back to a room or take any other number of precautions. Combined with worries about triggers and actively experiencing them, PTSD can be an exhausting condition to live with.


As mentioned above, PTSD changes the way that your brain reacts not just to stress, but often to everyday life. Learning how to overcome the patterns of thought generated by these brain changes takes time and therapy. I still live with the hyper alertness that comes with PTSD. After years of therapy and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing or EMDR treatment, I have learned to better cope with my symptoms. This often involves telling myself on a daily basis that everyday things, people and places that I see threats in are benign. This has taken a lot of time and patience, but it is possible.


The final thing I would like to share with you about PTSD is that it can be overcome. I can personally attest to this. It has not been easy, but I have learned to live with my PTSD. Through time, therapy and support systems, people with PTSD can overcome their challenges. Although it is difficult and may seem at times insurmountable, people with this condition can go on to lead successful lives.




 
 
 

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